Last year around this time, I created a playlist I called April Fool. It was building off the feelings I had in the midst of making foolish decisions, knowing it and offering myself up to the abyss of reckless decisions. I chose songs based on the feel of them, wanting them to enhance the sensation I already had of falling down the rabbit hole with a kind of dramatic beauty.
O, I am fortune’s fool.
This line from Romeo and Juliet kept echoing in my mind and I felt it, as cliché as that might be.
I play with the idea of being on the wrong side of fortune a lot. I have since I was a teenager when I first came up with a screen name I still use, starxedsteph. If you can be literal about such a thing, it means that I am ill-fated and will fail in life because the stars are aligned against me. I’ve never thought of it that way and I’ve never meant it to be so fatalistic. To me, it represents that life is full of obstacles. The stars are aligned against all of us in so many ways but we still take every chance we get to continue living, breathing, creating, and loving despite that.
Given all that, I guess it’s fitting that April Fool’s Day has become a significant day for me (and not for the pranks). I moved to New Orleans and left my marriage 9 years ago on April Fool’s Day. It was a foolish choice; and a necessary one. Moving to New Orleans wasn’t the most practical one but the city, with all of its flaws and foolishness has become one of the richest parts of my life.
Whether it’s due to the holiday or if I just happen to make foolish decisions at the same time year after year is unclear but I find myself reflecting on the importance of foolishness again today.
I’m in a different place these days and looking forward to a new kind of foolishness. I want to be the kind of fool that tries things that no one believes is possible. But not the kind that assumes they will achieve all that they aim for. I want to be the kind of fool that speaks up, takes chances, and loves deeply. But not the kind that believes they can’t fall.
I hope that I will continue to face failure, disappointment and heartbreak because not being star crossed would only mean that there are no stars at all.
I created a new playlist but it’s a work in progress, like life.